I don�t think of myself as young anymore. That�s probably good because I doubt very many people under the age of 70 think of me as young. It�s not exactly that I�m old. I�m not. I�m just middle-aged and content to be so.

I really don�t mind being 45 and I won�t mind 46 either when it happens next month. While getting and staying in shape is harder and more improbable, at least my ego never has been closely tied to my looks. I�ve stopped worrying whether people expect me to change the world. I�ve become more confident. I�ve stopped biting my nails (at least for the moment.)

I do mind the achy joints. It seems I have a touch of arthritis�not enough to hurt all the time or every day but enough for the joints in my fingers to moan �do we have to?� any time we�ve had two or three consecutive days of rain or high humidity in a row. It�s a nuisance. I have a window and I can watch the weatherman or read the newspaper so I don�t need the arthritis to tell me the weather.

It�s not that I�m unaccustomed to my body talking back to me. My body�s been sassy for years. I�ve had multiple sclerosis for almost as long as I can remember so an occasional talk-back session is a regular occurrence.

It�s that I�m terrified I�ll have to start knitting. My mother took up knitting to keep her joints mobile. I used to knit but I no longer have the patience. I want a piece to stop looking like string and start looking like a masterpiece yesterday. I don�t like chasing rolling balls of yarn all over the house. I don�t want to care that someone interrupted me and I just lost count of a stitch.

I suppose there must be other things one can do to keep the finger joints mobile. I occasionally play the piano but playing acts like a child magnet. Kat and Day-Hay start trying to dictate what I play, when I play, and how loud I play.

I wonder if all this typing for the journal will do it. What am I saying? Of course it will�and then I can just tell Mr. Philately and the rest of the people in this house that dinner is late because I was doing occupational therapy.

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