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2001-07-20 - 6:39 a.m.

CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR

I am very, very, very tired of the Mommy wars. As a part-time worker whose oldest is a teen, I�ve been caught in the crossfire for far too long. I refuse to join one camp or another and I will no longer run for cover. I�ve become a conscientious objector.

I object to the mudslinging. I object to wearing one�s convictions on a banner and waving that banner in the other side�s face as though it proves one�s superiority. I don�t care whether it�s one�s convictions about the use of pacifiers, the best method of potty training, or home-schooling. I object to the notion that we all know what is best for each other�s children when we�ve never even met those children or spent enough time to get to know their families. Most of all, I object to us spending more time tearing each other apart than working together for kids. I object to the working mothers who are too busy focusing on work to volunteer at school occasionally but I also object to the at-home mothers are too busy focusing only on their own children to volunteer at school occasionally.

Yes, I�ve filled in for the at-home mom who just plain forgot because she can�t seem to keep track of time but I�ve also filled in for the working mom who just can�t seem to get to the school in time after work to pick up her girl scout. Yes, I�ve seen daycare kids run wild while daycare workers yak on a bench but I�ve also seen kids run wild while their mothers yak on a bench.

I do not understand what makes so many women so insecure about their parenting that they must try to uphold �the one right way.� I do not understand why we cannot accept that there are kids in daycare who would be better served at home and kids at home who would be better served in daycare. Goodness knows, I think I�ve met both kinds. I don�t know why we can�t just relax and accept that most of us who worry so much about our parenting skills are not the ones who need to worry. (It�s the ones who think everything�s just fine all the time whose skills I worry about.)

It�s good for kids not to be the whole focus of one�s life but kids need to be a lot of the focus of one�s life. Why the idea that achieving that balance is possible whether staying at home or venturing outside is so radical, I�ll never know.

But I can stand up and say that I will no longer participate in these wars, even as a spectator. After I�ve left the room, you can destroy each other if you must but please do it quietly.

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