It�s time to become party animals. Apparently, Raccoon has moved in because we are too sedate. Critter Control Guy says Raccoon wants dark, peace, and quiet. He recommends lots of light, a loud radio, and a rag soaked in ammonia up by Raccoon�s pad. It could have been worse. Critter Control Guy simply could have recommended that we move out and give Raccoon full run of the place. (On the other hand, had he done that, I might have had some hope of convincing Man to ignore Critter Control Guy�s advice.)

Man is supposed to torture Raccoon for at least three days. As Raccoon has moved into the siding right outside my bedroom wall, I expect that he will be torturing Wife for at least three days as well. It figures. I finally get Teenager out of the house and someone else will be playing a radio loudly at all hours of the night.

I�m not sure what light Man plans on using. If we were Christian, we�d just be able to use last year�s Christmas lights. (I knew there were some drawbacks to being Jewish but I never dreamed it would be a disadvantage in the Raccoon removal department.) The battery-operated camping lanterns might work but I�m not sure I�m willing to take the risk of what happens when Raccoon gets ahold of them. I know I�m not willing to take the risk with the lantern that belongs to my girl scout troop. We don�t have any old flashlights so I suspect that we will be sacrificing some new flashlight to the cause.

I�m also not sure what radio Man plans on using. There is an outdoor outlet fairly near so he could use a regular radio if he could be sure it would not rain. Do you think Raccoon would be more bothered by rap, country, or rock and roll? How about the neighbors?

Man�s father, Farmer Bob, recommends a completely different approach. He recommends the use of a .22. The problem with that approach is not that Man is not a good shot. I�ve done target shooting with Man and I know he is a good shot. The problem is that, even if local ordinance allowed it, Man could not bring himself to do it�at least at this point. (One is never entirely sure at what point Man could do it. Man eventually did declare the cockroaches in our Brooklyn apartment to be minerals. If Raccoon sticks around long enough, Raccoon may discover that he too has been declared a mineral. Let�s see, it�s one day for mosquitos, one month for cockroaches, and I forget how long for mammals who are a big nuisance. Luckily, I think it�s more than one lifetime for Wives and Children.)

So, think of me as you drop off to sleep. Think of me on the other side of Raccoon�s boudoir, listening to a loud radio, seeing lights, and smelling ammonia. And, if you don�t see any new entries posted for a few days, think of me high-tailing it to a local motel.

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