I had to breastfeed my children. While I believe that breastfeeding is generally good for children, that belief did not make breastfeeding a necessity. No, something else drove that decision. In the middle of the night and in the morning (in fact, any time), I could find my breasts. Using them did not require either dexterity or complex thinking skills. If I had bottlefed my children at night and in the morning, they would have starved.

When my children began drinking from a cup as more than a parlor-trick, they learned to call Daddy in the middle of the night. Even at that tender age, they figured out that Daddy was far more capable of meeting their nighttime needs and wants quickly and efficiently (except when Day-Hay was looking for a 1:00 a.m. play companion and in that case, neither of us was willing to meet her wants). I�m not sure they figured out that calling Daddy meant a much smoother daytime routine but perhaps they knew that too.

As my children reached school-age, they generally cared for themselves at night if they awakened (although Day-Hay, who requires little sleep, still used to get lonely and look for excitement in the middle of the night from time to time.) In the morning, they could watch out for themselves. They seemed to grasp which mornings pouring milk for themselves from the little pitcher would work much better than asking Mom to pour it from the jug. They even made helpful suggestions such as �Mom, wouldn�t it work better if you put the cereal in the cupboard and the milk in the refrigerator instead of the other way �round?�

But neither my children nor their aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents seem to grasp the correct time to have a crisis. They insist on having their crises after 8:30 p.m. or before 8:00 a.m. If I were ruler of the world, I would decree that crises not happen too early or too late. The two in the middle of the afternoon would be just about the right time. I have my wits about me then for at least a few hours (assuming, of course, that I have the brain on that particular day. Mr. Philately and I share one brain between us and some days it is all too obvious which one of us does not have custody of it). I can be at maximum efficiency at two p.m. at minimum cost to myself.

I wonder if some marketing scheme might encourage proper timing of crises. Obviously, my convenience itself is insufficient to convince people to rearrange their crisis schedule. The better quality of my advice doesn�t seem to do it either. I could try giveaways for properly timed crises but some weeks I wouldn�t be able to afford it. In any event, I have no desire to accidentally increase the number of crises.

Perhaps some variation on the take-a-number approach would do it. Let�s see. I could have people take-an-hour slip when they have their crises and then deal with them at the designated hour. Some of the crises might even resolve themselves before the appointed hour. So much of what appears a volcano of a crisis at night looks more like a small pimple of a problem in the afternoon.

Life would become one large game of Mother, May I. �Mother, may I have a crisis now?� �No, you may have your crisis at 3:00 p.m.� �Mother, may I?� �Yes, you may.� If they forget to ask permission, I could just send them to the back of the line. Some players would never manage to touch me. That wouldn�t be so bad.

Unfortunately, I�m stuck with the times people pick�but if I snore when you tell me your crisis, don�t say I didn�t warn you. Just take a number.

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