Banks hate me. For more than twenty years, banks have hated me. Insurance companies are merely indifferent or impersonally mean but banks hate me. Banks take my money and refuse to give it back. I have no idea why they hate me but they do. By now, the feeling is mutual and, whenever possible, I make Mr. Philately deal with banks. They seem to like him better.

The first time The Bank was out to get me was when I moved to New York. I took most of my money, which I had brought to New York primarily in travelers� checks, and opened a new account at a bank where I had cashed a few of those travelers� checks. I then went to take money out of the account. No go. No way. Money could not be withdrawn from accounts started with checks for a full three weeks. Just stupid rules you say? Nothing personal you say? Well, then explain why The Bank would cash travelers� checks on the spot for other people who did not even have accounts.

Then there was the fuss after I got married and changed my name. Once again, The Bank (and, by now it was a different bank because I switched to a joint account with Mr. Philately at his bank) had no problem accepting my money. It did not matter whether the check I deposited was written out to and endorsed by Ms. Maiden Name or Mrs. Philately. The Bank was perfectly happy to take the money. What The Bank would not do was give it back. Never mind that I had a driver�s license in the name of Mrs. Philately. Never mind that I had all sorts of other documentation. Never mind that I had an affidavit from the city clerk explaining that I was married, giving the date I was married, and explaining that there had been a glitch with the marriage certificate and I would not have it for a few weeks. Nope, The Bank was perfectly happy to take my money but would only give it back to Mr. Philately, not me.

The problems I had when I moved to Wisconsin and we first opened a bank account here were relatively minor. The Bank claimed they were caused by relatives, namely Mr. Philately. The Bank decided that instead of issuing us a new account number they would reactivate the one from the bank account Mr. Philately had closed four years early and just add my name to it. Once again, The Bank happily took my money and would not give it back. The Bank issued Mr. Philately an ATM card right away. The Bank made me wait months.

Yesterday, I received a call from The Bank. The Keough that I had asked them to roll over to a different place had gone nowhere despite a request a month ago. In between that request and the call, the sales department of The Bank managed to find me three times. They wanted to sell me on allowing them to keep the money. I refused but it did little good. In between that request and the call, I had explained to them that �yes, an attorney and an accountant said I could roll it over the way I wanted� and they had assured me that �yes, the money would be transferred immediately.� Nevertheless, The Bank had not made the transfer. The Bank was calling today to tell me it was all the other place�s fault. I was having none of it. Even though they hate me, they still have to release my money. So, two aggravating telephone calls and an hour of waiting later, I have my money so I can roll it over. The Bank never did agree to transfer it directly.

So, from now on, to the extent possible, I�m sticking to savings and loans. That should be safe, Mr. Keating, shouldn�t it?

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