Before I had my children, I failed to read the small print. I neglected to notice the clause in the contract in which I agreed to be Perpetual Audience. Oh, I had had enough experience with children to know that they would say, �Look at me, look at me� but when children say that, most of the time their need for an audience is relatively fleeting.

No, it was school and camp that raised my obligation as Perpetual Audience to new heights. It was school and camp that added the tag of Bad Mother whenever I balked at sitting through 30 individual renditions of the Eeensy-Weensy Spider. I never understood why they could not sign the song together but, apparently, each child needs his or her turn to shine.

While most of these programs were long and boring and, being quite short, I could rarely see and, given the acoustics, could hear even more rarely, most of them provided for meal time or snacks and allowed for stretch breaks. But Rather Expensive Camp,the arts camp Kat is at (and is returning from this afternoon), raised the ante to new heights. Do you think I could sue for Perpetual Audience abuse? (See, part of my damages is that Perpetual Audience has caused such mind rot that I�m asking you if I can sue and I�m the lawyer.)

All we were told in the camp letter was that we should come to the camp at 3:00 p.m., that we would see programs and displays of what the teens had been working on, and that they would feed us dinner. I should have known that I wasn�t meant to be there when I could not find either a hotel room or a campsite nearby (because of the state fair, not the camp.) The failure to find accommodations meant that we would have to drive the hour there and the hour back last night and that one of us would have to do it again today. I failed to heed the sign and, like the good mother I am, showed up to play Perpetual Audience. I did not realize that it would be a marathon performance.

We were not sure about state fair traffic, so we left plenty of time and showed up early. We followed the signs and showed up at the Rude Camp Director�s house about 45 minutes early. We apologized for being early. He did not say �no problem.� He did not even say �hello.� He hissed, �Well, take a walk� and then closed the door. We ran into another couple who also showed up early. The wife had worked as the camp doctor in previous years and was nice enough to show us around.

We returned to the Rude Camp Director�s house just on time. A small group of people were gathering in his backyard but he was not there. There were grandmas, a woman with a cane, and no places to sit. There were no signs about what was going to happen. Some of the kids come to the camp from far-flung places like Nebraska and South Dakota so much of the parental crowd did not know each other. We stood in little clumps, some of us with younger children, waiting. Those characters in Waiting for Godot had nothing on us. I�ve known about Jewish Standard Time long enough not to expect much to happen right away but I did expect the Rude Camp Director to show up and shmooze with the parents. After all, we signed the checks to allow our children to go to his Rather Expensive Camp.

Eventually, the Rude Camp Director showed up. He didn�t introduce himself to anyone but promptly went over and got into conversations with the few parents who seemed to be Very Important Parents. He did not make any announcement to the group and did not say �hello� to anyone he did not already know, at least as far as I could tell. Perhaps the man does not know the word �hello.� Perhaps someone ought to teach him.

After a full half an hour of Standing Around on a Warm Afternoon (sitting, of course, was possible only on the ground), he finally made an announcement. He explained that there was water and cookies and that soon after we would be taken to see the Productions. He told us how important he was and how important Rather Expensive Camp was to our teen�s spiritual development. Then he returned to deep conversation with a few Very Important Parents. I later learned that some of them were Very Important Parents because of important positions they held, while others were Very Important Parents because of the money they had. I�m so glad that Rude Camp Director knows how to cozy up to both.

I then made a tactical mistake. I�ve been working hard at making my eating more healthy. I should have eaten several cookies. Day-Hay, who ate two, should have eaten three. But I was good and I later paid for it. I passed on the cookies.

I should not have worried about sitting. We sat plenty later. After seeing the visual arts, we had a music concert, a dance concert, and a three act play, all without much intermission and with no nearby bathrooms or available food. After all, we were Trapped Perpetual Audience. Providing for creature comforts might have made us human.

The program did not end until twenty minutes to eight. (Isn�t it amazing that in this digital age I can still think of it as twenty minutes to eight?) I was hungry, my back was hurting from sitting so long in uncomfortable chairs, and I was crabby. I wasn�t in nearly as bad shape as the poor seven year old in front of me who had only had a snack since breakfast. I am ashamed to admit it but I was more whiny than she was. We then had to trek back to Rude Camp Director�s house for a cookout. We also had to find a bathroom, a bit of a trick as no one had announced where they were. Luckily, Mr. Philately and I had overheard where they were and which side was for boys and which side was for girls back at the shower house.

And Kat? Well, as usual, she made good use of her (brief) turn to shine and turned me into a Proud Perpetual Audience. I only got to see her for a brief time but she seems to have loved camp. As we had to say goodbye to her (just after discovering that this dinner was not with our children), she was sobbing�not because we were leaving but because we were coming back to take her home the next day and she did not want to leave.

Well, Perpetual Audience for my writing, I�ve made you be Perpetual Audience almost as long as I had to be, but I�ll be kinder than Rather Expensive Camp or the Rude Camp Director. I know you�re a person and not just Perpetual Audience�but it sure would be easier to forget that. You can sign-off to eat or go to the bathroom. If you e-mail me, I�ll even answer say �hello.� Except for you, Mom and Dad, you signed up to read every word without breaks.

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