Over the years, my children have changed their names the way adults change their underwear. I suddenly realized the other day that I've finally learned to like my name. I've grown into it. I think it's pretty. I know it's me.

The first nameI remember being called was not my real name. I was Tootsie, as in Tootsie Roll. The backs of old family pictures say things such as "Tootsie's Third Birthday." I'm an oldest child. There are lots of backs of old family pictures to say things about me. Before I was Tootsie, I had dubbed myself Happy although I don't remember that. Happy did not stick the way Tootsie did. Tootsie stuck so well that, years later, when I was in my thirties, a female lawyer would commend me for staying cool after an obnoxious male lawyer apparently called me "Toots" in derision during an argument before a judge. I wouldn't do it today but back then I was so earnest that I just had to explain to her why I hadn't even heard the "Toots." I don't think she appreciated it.

Then, in first grade, I grew up and asked to be called by my given name. I didn't particularly like it but it was mine. It wasn't a popular or friendly name like Debbie or Cindy. It wasn't dignified or exotic like Janine. It wasn't even distinctive like the Jonny my mother sported. It seemed boring, smart, dependable, earnest, and ordinary but it was mine.

As I got older, that was exactly the problem. The name was boring, smart, dependable, earnest, and ordinary. I wanted to be extraordinary. I wanted to be popular. I wanted to be a trend-setter and I didn't want to be so earnest. I tried variations on my name. I tried the boyish sounding nicknames, the exotic spellings, and using my middle name. None of it caught on. I couldn't escape being smart, dependable, earnest, and rather ordinary. (But not boring. Never boring.)

Now I'm in my forties. I look around at the stupid things people do and smart seems much better than the alternative. I see the havoc the flighty cause and dependable seems a wonderful trait. Earnest occasionally makes me the butt of jokes but it also conveys my passion and drive. As for ordinary, well, smart, dependable and earnest are not nearly as ordinary as I believed them to be in my youth.

So I'll keep my name. It's smart, dependable, and earnest and so am I. I'll take those name stickers a friend gave me and plaster them all over my things because I like my name (and I'm still a kid at heart.)

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