UNDER THE MICROSCOPE

NEW SPECIMENS OLD SPECIMENS THE SCIENTIST MY LOG CONTACT ME
2001-09-27 - 8:08 a.m.

OUT OF STEP

Once again I�m out of step. I�m out of step in so many ways that I can�t even begin to explain just how out of step I am. As an eccentric, I�m accustomed to dancing when everyone else is marching to the drummer but I also am accustomed to hearing the beat. Hearing that beat reassures me that I�m not crazy. I don�t think I�m crazy now�and yet...

Strong emotions are swirling around me. I see the dance of them. I see them combine and swell and recombine yet I don�t hear the music or join the dance. I don�t seem to know the steps. No, that�s not exactly right. I know the steps. Strong emotions are not foreigners in the landscape of my inner life. I�m as passionate as just about anyone I�ve ever met.

No, the problem is something else. Something in me is holding back and I�m observing. I�m holding my breath. I�m waiting for....something. I�m in suspended animation. No, that�s not it exactly. I�m moving and I�m moving away. I�m distancing myself.

I fear the strong emotions swirling around. I�ve had enough struggles with my temper over the years to know where strong emotions can lead if we don�t take time to think as well as react. I wish I were sure we were thinking as much as feeling. I wish I was sure someone in charge was thinking as much as feeling.

It occurs to me that deep emotion got us here in the first place. A large amount of ordinary evil occurs when people take emotion just a little too far. Extraordinary evil can occur when they take emotion far, far beyond the ordinary. In my experience, it�s not that people who do terrible things lack feelings. Most of the ones I�ve met (and I�ve met many over the years through work) have very strong feelings. They have feelings so strong that they drown out the feelings of others and the others become just objects, no more than a rock or an old tin can.

So, maybe it�s good that I�m holding back. Maybe we need a few more people out of step. Maybe.

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