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2001-11-24 - 9:49 a.m.

THE AGE OF

Different ages seem to be filled with different communal and life-cycle events. If you are a Jewish child (or know a lot of them), the early junior high years are filled with bar and bat mitzvahs. For many people of any religious persuasion, the twenties and thirties are filled with weddings and baby namings, baptisms, or brisses. Now that I am well into the middle of my forties, I�m in the age of funerals. So far, most of them have been for people of my parents� generation but more than before, I can�t count on that.

As I�ve gotten older, I find myself critiquing funerals. Oh, I�m not cold enough to look for mistakes that people make. I don�t expect people to be at their best at funerals. I don�t expect perfect speeches, choice of prayers, or (primarily in the case of non-Jews) choice of music. No, I�m cold but not that cold. I�m looking for what resonates with me and what does not. I�m looking for what directions to give for my funeral. (Living in a bi-cultural household, Mr. Philately and I long ago decided that having written instructions from each other on funerals might stop some problems before they start.)

I�ve come to believe in eulogies. Originally, I loved the idea behind those services at which people speak as they feel a need. While the thought behind the memorial service seems lovely, I�ve gone to just enough of those at which the moving spirit was evil to have come to appreciate the additional level of control possible when someone is designated to give a eulogy. Even if I am an intimidate member of the family, the funeral does not strike me as the place to let it all hang out. That�s what the meal afterward is for because people there have some chance of escaping if they can�t take it.

I�m not a believer in ornate caskets although I understand the impulse behind buying them. Flowers and ornate caskets seem wasteful to me but my thinking may be culturally tinged. The simplicity of the pine box with a single Star of David carved into it that served as my paternal grandmother�s casket looked as lovely to me as any ornate oak casket I�ve ever seen. Traditional Jewish law dictates very plain caskets (if caskets are used at all) so that there will be no distinction in death between the rich and the poor. I�m not sure why there should be no such distinction in death when everyone�s been more than willing to make the distinction in life but there it is. Perhaps the rule comes from an attempt to stop people from bankrupting themselves just to show that they truly loved the person who died.

I also don�t believe in people who say that they don�t attend funerals because they �don�t like funerals.� Sometimes one�s own feelings are close to irrelevant. What do these people think? Do they think that the rest of us sit around saying, �Hey, sweetheart, what can we do for fun today? I know. We�ll read the obituaries and see if we can find a funeral to go to? Wouldn�t that be fun?�

I have a shiva call* today. It�s gray and pouring and my brother just left and I know I�m not thinking cheery thoughts but it�s morning. I�m sure I�ll move on from planning funerals to something more cheery and mundane�like cleaning a closet or buying birthday gifts. Besides, I think the age of attending children�s graduations is bound to get interspersed with the age of attending funerals if I can just hold out a few years.

___

*Jews do their visitation of the grieving family after the funeral. Visiting the family after the death is known as �making a shiva call.�

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