If I could just locate the electric screwdriver, I�d begin building an ark. My children have asked me whether God told me to build an ark. No, I have explained, I am not Noah. For one thing, I don�t get naked and take my clothes off. For another, well, I am not suited to living with that many animals for forty days and forty nights and God knows it.

This ark is all my own idea. It may well rain for forty days and forty nights. It already has rained for more than two weeks. The Milwaukee River is so high down by my office that I had to wait for them to raise and lower the bridge for the harbor patrol That small boat usually goes right under the bridge with no need to raise it but not in this high water. Other rivers around here already are over their banks. One lane of I-94 eastbound (but actually going south due to Lake Michigan) down by Racine was closed for a while this weekend because of flooding rivers.

But I digress. I am sure you don�t want to hear about the lousy weather. I�m sure you are much more interested in my ark.

For starters, I am not adhering to any two-by-two rule and no animals are allowed. No chicken and no dumb birds. I am not even allowing any human beings who cannot behave themselves. The criterion for coming on this ark is whether I believe that I can live with you in a cramped space for forty days and forty nights. One of the few people invited who has never been in danger of a rescinded invitation is my secretary. At the moment, the kids can come as long as they agree to remain on opposite sides of the ship at all times---but that could change at any moment, especially if my eldest daughter decides to try swearing at me again.

As for Mr. Philately, of course he can come---as long as he promises to let me win at Scrabble but with an act good enough that I think he�s just losing. Oh, yes, and he cannot bring his stamp collection. If he brings his stamp collection, there will only be room for him on the ark and I am not building the ark just for him and his stamps. The people we bring will have to suffice as his collection, even if they really are my collection. It�s selfish but, after all, it is MY ark.

Actually, who am I kidding? Most of the people I know would be ark-crashers. I think when I build the ship I�d best make sure it has a lifeboat. I�ll want it for escape. I�m not sure there is anyone I can live in close quarters with for forty days and forty nights. I�m not even sure I could live with me in the rain that long.

So, perhaps I should not go to the trouble of building this ark. Anyone have a raft I can blow up instead?

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