Later today, we�re headed off to Iowa to make the best of a mistake. Unfortunately, the mistake was agreeing to head off to Iowa this weekend. It�s not that going to Iowa is, by itself, a big mistake. It�s not even that seeing Mr. Philately�s family is a mistake. It�s the circumstances of this trip that are a mistake and whatever blinders Mr. Philately had on, I should have known better.

We have two nephews who graduate high school this year, Lacrosse Guy and Smalltown Man. Lacrosse Guy lives in Minnesota. Smalltown Man lives in Iowa. Lacrosse Guy graduates next weekend. Smalltown Man graduates this weekend. What we should have done was pick a weekend that neither of them was graduating, gotten the family together, and declared it �Celebrate Your Favorite Family Members� Graduation� weekend. We could have had a terrific bash. But that isn�t what we did.

Unfortunately, most of my immediate family is going to be unable to go to Lacrosse Guy�s graduation. (We will be sending Mr. Philately as an emissary but I�ll explain that part later.) Kat can�t go because his graduation is that Sunday evening and she has finals the next day. I can�t go because Kat can�t go (although I suppose Mr. Philately could have stayed home with her but, however you look at it, only one of us can go.) Day-Hay can�t go because of dress rehearsal for dance where she has a demi-solo in the ballet number.

Any way, I�ve been an official part of Mr. Philately�s family for almost eighteen years and an unofficial part for three or four years more. By now, I should know all the players well enough to have seen what was coming. But I was being optimistic about the people. I was trying to think the best of them. I should have known better.

Back around December, his younger sister started inviting everyone to Smalltown Man�s graduation. I hesitated because of Lacrosse Guy. My best buddy in the family, Lacrosse Guy�s mom, then suggested that we use Memorial Day to celebrate both graduations. I should have seen the signs of trouble but they were so subtle and I forgot I was in the family where the indirect things count so much. I was a bit uneasy but I didn�t know how to extract myself if my good buddy, Lacrosse Guy�s mom, was backing this plan. So we agreed.

The deal was supposed to be that sometime during the weekend, we would have a big family luncheon (or dinner) for both boys. Having announced that as the plan, I foolishly assumed we had an agreement because everyone verbally signed on. I forgot to factor in the non-confrontational nature of communication in Mr. Philately�s family. I forgot about the motto that goes, �Never say you won�t do something if you can sabotage it indirectly.� I didn�t take enough notice of Smalltown Man�s mother�s resistance to sharing what she saw as his weekend.

As we got to the beginning of the spring, we began to discuss plans. First, Smalltown Man�s mom decided that our role was to be decoration relatives. Forget the mess of a large family. Our role was to show up when told to, to be where we were told to be, and to be invisible the rest of the time. Never mind that we drive seven hours to get there. We are to show up at an open house on Saturday that is a little earlier than is convenient for people who cannot leave home until Friday evening and will be staying overnight on the road. That time is necessary because otherwise they will not be able to do with their friends all the activities they want to do that evening.

That�s right. We are all to disappear that evening so that the locals can gather. You couldn�t expect them to miss that just for Lacrosse Guy, could you? It�s so important to keep your relationships with the people you see all the time. You understand, don�t you? We actually were supposed to disappear to the in-town motel with only an outdoor pool and no gathering place but we rebelled (along with Lacrosse Guy�s family) and we are staying twenty minutes away at a better hotel for gathering. We�re out of place but as Smalltown Man�s mom is indirect, what is she likely to say about that?

With my help, Lacrosse Guy�s mom then proposed a family picnic at brunch on Sunday. How can we have a family gathering at brunch on Sunday? The graduation is late on Sunday and the Smalltown family must get ready. Besides, Mr. Philately�s older sister, the one who went to see her injured granddaughter on the frequent flyer tickets of Lacrosse Guy�s dad, the one who is driving to see her children in a van bought from Lacrosse Guy�s dad at a bargain price, (I�d go on but I�m sure you get the picture), has to leave after the open house for Smalltown Man.

So, I have no idea what will happen on Sunday. I�ve told Lacrosse Guy�s mom (with Mr. Philately�s full support) that we are all doing something for Lacrosse Guy on Sunday and everyone else can do what they darn well please. I�ve offered to do whatever is necessary but I�m not sure what that entails. If I know me and Lacrosse Guy�s mom, however, we�ll pull off something. The real question will be whether Smalltown Man�s family will be part of it. I�m so irritated by this part of the mess I haven�t begun to think of the implications of being with Mr. Philately�s mother, father, and stepmother all weekend all at the same time.

So, we�ll try to make the best of a mistake. Memo to self: the year that Kat, Smalltown Man�s brother, and Lacrosse Guy�s sister all graduate the same year, we are not attending any graduations except Kat�s. Start planning a separate family weekend now!

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