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2003-12-28 - 6:31 p.m.

CARVING THE ORANGE JUICE

Some men carve turkeys. Some men carve hams. Not my husband, the vegetarian. My husband carves�..orange juice. Yes, you read correctly. Yesterday morning, my husband decided to carve the orange juice. Accuracy requires me to explain that he was carving frozen orange juice concentrate. Nothing requires me to explain why (which is very good because I do not believe that I could explain why. In marriage, it sometimes is best to decide that some things just are.)

Unfortunately, he carves orange juice even worse than I carve a turkey. With a turkey, I start by looking for the leg joint. Perhaps his problem is that orange juice has no leg joint. Whatever his problem was, the outcome was that while he intended to carve the orange juice, he actually carved two fingers. Luckily for him, he did not carve his fingers particularly well either: he still has ten of them. Unluckily for him, the results required superglue and a tetanus shot.

The first inkling I received that something was wrong came when I was speaking with my parents on the telephone. My sister-in-law told me that she needed NOW and something in her voice told me that NOW meant NOW. I quickly determined that Mr. Philately had merely nicked one of his fingers but he had sliced the pinky enough to require an urgent care visit. The next step was figuring out where the nearest urgent care center was. The receptionist at my sister-in-law�s doctor�s office did not know so I tried the phone book and looked at an address on a street I believed to be somewhere nearby. My sister-in-law verified that it was nearby.

So, before my breakfast, I climbed into the car and drove over. Having some discretion, I managed to wait until after the patch-up to suggest that Mr. Philately never again carve orange juice BEFORE I had my breakfast. I�m even feeling generous enough toward him that I will not hold him responsible if all of those coughing children with likely ear infections managed to give me some horrendous bug.

But I will expect him to soothe my brow and push fluids�.as long as he leaves the orange juice alone.

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