Desperate times require desperate measures. I used to be able to keep track of most of the details of my life but not any more. I�ve tried to tell myself that it�s just because I�m doing too much but I�ve always done too much. I need to face it. It�s age. Yesterday my middle-aged brain drove me to something I�ve never done before. I had to use a debit card to purchase $8.06 worth of groceries. The shame of it all!

I�ve always been relatively flush with cash even when I had little money overall. I�m capable of keeping $40 in my wallet for long periods of time and spending only when I need to but I hate getting caught out. I hate the thought of not having access to cash in case of emergency. Someone once remarked of me that when I said I had no money I wasn�t counting the $10 in my shoe that was there just for emergencies. Yesterday I looked and that $10 wasn�t there. I knew then that I was losing brain cells in addition to the ones that motherhood zapped long ago.

Part of the problem is that I relied upon someone else. Usually, I get my own cash out of the bank account but Mr. Philately was going to the bank and volunteered to get it.* I didn�t have much cash at lunch but, since we met for lunch, this situation presented no problem. He told me he�d have cash for me at the end of the day (or so I thought). I had just enough in my wallet to head to Walgreens and pick up the paper towels I was supposed to get for the office. The paper towels should have presented no problem. I hold the community-paper-towel-and-dish-soap fund and I should have reimbursed myself for the towels. But I forgot. I couldn�t believe it but I forgot. When it came to money, I forgot. I must be getting old.

That�s how I found myself picking up groceries for dinner and suddenly realized I had only $4 in cash to pay for $8 of groceries. I would have written a check but I couldn�t. I had a checkbook but the store won�t take my checks because I refused to give them my social security number on their form. They�ll give me their discounts without that number but won�t cash checks without it. I�m willing to let them know what groceries I buy just to get the discounts (but only because they�ve worn me down) but, as I recall, I refused to give them the number on principle because I oppose the use of social security numbers as identity numbers.

There is a cash machine at the grocery store but it has high fees. Its bank takes a fee and so does mine. It occurred to me that if I used the debit card, I would only pay one fee. (I didn�t learn until later that by using the debit card I paid no fees. Obviously, I am not as sophisticated about finance as I thought I was.) So, looking slightly confused, I used the debit card. I felt ridiculous. The woman behind me eyed me. She probably didn�t want to wait while the machine did its thing. Never mind that it takes longer to use a check at that store.

I�ve always believed that indiscriminate use of debit cards leads to deficits. Little did I dream that deficits would lead to the use of debit cards. If I ever recover my memory, I�ll pay you not to remind me of this moment�if I have any cash.

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* Mr. Philately read this piece before I posted it and told me my mind was further gone than I had realized. He was not going to get money for me. I had turned him down earlier in the morning on the grounds that I work above a bank. I was going to get money for me. On the other hand, he had already gone to the bank by lunchtime and would have given me cash if I had asked. He did give me cash last night to get through until I got to work this morning and got some out at the bank downstairs.

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