2003-02-25 - 9:21 p.m.
OUT TO GET ME
Woody Allen, back in the days when he was funny and had less of an icky factor, once commented that he believed that his appliances were antisemitic. Of late, I�ve noticed that the things around my house just hate me. It�s not because I�m Jewish, it�s not because I�m female, and it�s not because I am not convinced of the wisdom of war with Iraq. For that matter, it�s not the children or husband I�m talking about. It�s things such as the fence, the toilet, and the VCR. Why do they hate me? They hate me just because. I don�t think they need a reason.
Now that I�ve finally won the Great Toilet Contest, I suppose I should stop complaining about the toilet. It flushes now and it flushes reliably. But still, why should the toilet have stopped working and why did it need to have several different things wrong with it all at once so that nothing short of a guts replacement would do it? And why should it decide to break in winter when the water is so cold in the back of the tank and my sleeves are so long? I tried for a while to shake the feeling that the toilet was out to get me personally but I just couldn�t do it. Do you know how scary it is to have to use a toilet that you believe is out to get you? I do believe I�m beginning to understand why Kat refused to be toilet-trained until she was almost four. Kat knew something. She just didn�t know how to explain it.
The toilet must be talking to the backyard fence. At night, when I�m asleep, the two are plotting. The toilet told the fence that it need no longer hold up its part of the bargain with me. You know the bargain. I promise not to slam the gate and the fence promises to stay up. Well, the fence is not holding up its part of the bargain. It�s not holding up anything----including itself. It�s falling down and no fence can be replaced in subzero temperatures, especially not with a manual post-hole digger.
I�m not at all sure why the VCR decided to join in the fun. Actually, I�m not sure whether it is the VCR or the television antenna that�s decided to join in the fun. All I know is that after an hour�s worth of persuasion, I�ve convinced the VCR to record shows from VHF channels�albeit with a bit of snow. I�ve yet to convince the VCR to record shows from UHF channels. The television could do both these things in the past so I refuse to believe the problem is a matter of ability. No, it�s motivation. More accurately, it�s lack of motivation. The VCR no longer wants to please its mistress. Now it�s out to get her.
Then there is the computer which has taken to shutting itself off or suddenly rebooting at inconvenient moments. The computer takes this unauthorized action most when the most destruction is possible. It hates me but it takes out its frustrations on Day-Hay. The computer knows that problems with my work computer have taught me to save almost every paragraph. Day-Hay, however, does not save nearly as frequently and she�s as loud or louder when her work disappears. If the computer trashes my work, I get frustrated. If the computer trashes her work, I have to deal with frustration and panic. The computer has been around long enough to figure out that getting me through Day-Hay means I�m better gotten.
You need more evidence? You believe I am paranoid? Consider the shed door, the one that current stays shut only because there is a bent paperclip on it. Consider the shed door that requires some heavy lifting to close well enough to put the bent paperclip on it. Consider that the shed realizes that I am trying to clean the basement by stashing some garden items in the shed instead of the basement. That shed door knows what it�s doing. It�s trying to keep me out.
Well, I�d best go now. I hear my bed calling me�and I don�t want to get on its bad side.
LAST YEAR: Helper or Abettor?
LAST FIVE ENTRIES:
Ah Ha!
Bath Salts
For This?
A League of Someone Else�s
Evita
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Copyright 2006 by Ellen |
