In a column in our newspaper this weekend, a young man contemplated the likelihood that he would eventually have to support his mother, a woman who apparently never heard of the word �budget� or �save.� He pointed out that he did not think that he should have to support her now, as his grandmother apparently still was doing, as she was 56 years old and capable of working. He said that he felt as though he were living the story of �The Grasshopper and the Ants.� His wife, naturally, resented the possibility of supporting this spendthrift. I felt for that young man�and for his wife.

What I�ve learned about such situations is that the hard time is not when a parent is capable of working. The difficulties come when the parent is no longer capable of working enough to support anyone, let alone anyone with expensive tastes, and there are no savings. Then, the actions that a family takes and the way that they take them end up defining who they are. To walk the line between honoring one�s parents and falling into a deep, deep pool and drowning begins to feel like maneuvering between a rock and a hard place.

The practicalities of the situation can�t be ignored. Neither can the morality. Anyone who enters into this web of obligation and of love comes out a little less sure about what is moral, what is reasonable, and what is wise. While in the web, the only truth appears to be that those in it need to believe that they are doing the best they can because what is done will always be both too much and not enough. Anyone who expects thanks will return from the journey heartbroken. Few people are happy to be a charity case and, when loss of independence could have been averted but rather willfully was not, charity or pity are an integral part of the giving. The kind try to hide it but the guilty hear what is hidden.

The practicalities themselves often deliver those secrets. Over time, the giver learns the necessity of paying a bill or bills directly. Those who fail to do so tend to get caught paying the same bill twice. The giver learns that sometimes people need not get exactly the support that they would want but giving only what they need all the time can poison relationships too badly. The body and mind can adapt to small amounts of poison sometimes.

The morality goes beyond the couple. One�s children learn how to treat parents from the way their parents treat their grandparents. Mostly, the parents want the children to learn how to treat parents with love and dignity. If the parents are too judgmental, their children learn to judge them. If the parents appear to allow anything, the children learn that anything is permissible.

A wise spouse learns too. She learns that whatever her resentments, she married both a man and his family. She comes to realize that she needs to help maintain the balance. She remembers that she would not want a man who could walk away easily but she also does not want a man who would bleed his children dry for his mother�s sake.

I thought of writing the young man and letting him know what I�ve learned. But the most important messages of life are rarely transmissible by word. They must be transmitted by deed�and I�m not willing to have him and his family move in just so we can teach them.

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