I don�t have much of a conception of heaven. Like many Jews, I believe that people should focus on their behavior here and now and let the rest take care of itself. Nevertheless, if heaven is a place, I assume that there is a very special part of it set aside for middle school band teachers.

Most band teachers like children (although I am not absolutely convinced that really liking children is necessary a prerequisite for being an effective teacher. As an adult, I learned that one of the best teachers I ever had, our junior high librarian, actually disliked children so she tried to get them to act as grown-up as possible.) Most band teachers also like music. The better band teachers have very good ears for music including good relative pitch.

So what do we do with these people who are fond of music? We give them a fifth grade band, a beginner�s band. While the squeaks of clarinets are hard on the ears, they are not the worst of the problem. If the band teacher is good, the band quickly learns to begin and end at the same time, for the most part. It�s what happens in the middle that is hard on the ears. Even the parents know this truth. The musical parents find themselves discussing the enthusiasm of the band members or how far they�ve come. When children are not standing right there, you�re more apt to hear, �Well, it sure was better than I expected� than you are to hear, �That was good.� A successful fifth grade band concert is one in which you can identify a well-known tune, more or less, without consulting the program.

We do slightly better by these dedicated teachers who love music when we give them the sixth grade band. Good sixth grade bands have occasional phrases that sound very musical. Parents can usually identify the tune but they still wonder about the cacophonous interludes that erupt from time-to-time. Still, what results is hopeful but not solidly musical. �Look how far they�ve come� is not the same thing as �wasn�t that lovely� (or inspiring or whatever the piece of music is supposed to be.)

Seventh and eighth grade bands are almost-satisfying. If you close your eyes and use just a very little bit of imagination, you can hear what they might become. But they still aren�t there. They are full of sound and fury and, ultimately, not quite enough music to be truly satisfying. They come to the brink...and then they graduate and leave.

So, the next time you feel that what you do is too hard to take and makes no difference anyway, put on a CD (or, if you are in the dark ages like me, a record) and listen to the New York Symphony or another high-caliber classical band and remember that they were all middle-schoolers once�and think of the poor band teacher who had to listen to them almost every day back then.

LAST YEAR: Pressure Cooker

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Copyright 2006 by Ellen