One of the hardest things for involved parents to do is to learn when to butt out. The convoluted friendship machinations of sixth graders give ample opportunities for practicing this skill�which may be why I now could wear a tongue-ring without paying anyone to pierce my tongue for me. But it�s such a relief that the most recent episode has resolved so well without me that I�m feeling no pain.

Day-Hay�s school participates in a program called Battle of the Books. Basically, teams all are given a list of sixty books and some time to read. When the contest begins, the teams win points by answering questions about the books correctly. They can pick up extra points if they can give both the title of the book and the author. Day-Hay was on the team that went to the regional competition last year, where they lost. Day-Hay jokingly attributes the loss to having only matching, handmade team shirts, not identical store-bought shirts and ponytails with matching bows. (For her team it was a hobby, not a vocation.)

For reasons I fail to grasp, the rules require teams of three. Whoever decided that preteen girls should be placed in teams of three knew nothing about preteen girls. Two is a stable number. Four is a stable number. But, with preteen girls, groups of three are asking for trouble. Groups of three are simply a melange of shifting alliances. Given sufficient time, they either implode or explode, ending in fire or ice�at least for a while.

At the end of last season, most teams disbanded. Day-Hay and Ms. Sister, the friend whom she�s grown up with, wanted to stay. Ms. Sports decided that she had had enough of the game. So far, so good. Nothing personal there. But the lack of emotion couldn�t last. Ms. Sister and Day-Hay have been friends for as long as they can remember but they are friends of proximity more than anything else and they have few other friends in common. Thus began a tug-of-war for power. Whose friend would be the third?

To Day-Hay�s everlasting sorrow, she is not particularly powerful in the world of sixth grade girls. What she has going for her is stubbornness. The rope frayed during the tug-of-war and Ms. Sister abandoned Day-Hay. After some upset, Day-Hay decided to find a team for fun, based on friendship, and found Ms. Flibberty-gibbet. But these are sixth grade girls. Nothing stays as it seems for ten minutes, let alone ten days. Ms. Sister�s quest did not work as she hoped and she needed Day-Hay for another chance at the winning spot. Ms. Sister, however, had decided that Ms. Flibberty-gibbet was not a good choice for a teammate.

Day-Hay poured out her anguish as she tried to decide what to do. Mr. Philately and I did not manage to stay out of it. We probably should have stayed out but we saw it as a moral issue. We told her it was her choice but talked about her commitment to Ms. Flibberty-gibbet. At some point, Ms. Flibberty-gibbet got wind of the situation, came over, and pleaded Day-Hay to stay with her. After many tears and much soul-searching, Day-Hay opted for loyalty and keeping her word. We were proud of her choices.

But I should have been more wary. I�ve known Ms. Flibberty-gibbet for a long time. She�s a good kid but she�s ruled by emotion, even more than the average sixth grade girl�and sixth grade emotions are very unstable. By this fall, Ms. Flibberty-gibbet had decided that Battle of the Books was a lot of work and she did not care for the work. Day-Hay tried to hold on. She promised to do all the reading and let Ms. Flibberty-gibbet just be window-dressing. Stubbornness can do a lot of things. But it can, at best, prolong the inevitable, not stop it.

It�s now one month or less to competition. Day-Hay has read approximately 30 books in preparation. In preparation, her persistent nature is a plus. She just plods along book by book. And then it happened. The team fell apart. Ms. Flibberty-gibbet pulled out, taking the third team member, Mr. Boy-Next-Door with her. Day-Hay was a team of one and one cannot compete alone. She needed two more people and everyone who wanted to play was already on a team. Disaster appeared imminent. My heart broke for her. But I stayed out�if only because I had no idea what to do.

And then Day-Hay pulled off a coup, the magnitude of which I could only have imagined. (Actually, I could imagine the magnitude of her coup, I just couldn�t imagine the magnitude of her finesse. I�ve never known her to take subtle action when she�s upset.) Knowing that the team that expected to be a powerhouse this year had a member that wanted out, she confided her trouble not to Mr. Let-me-out but to the team leader in front of Mr. Let-me-out. And, lo and behold, exactly what she hoped would happen, happened. Mr. Let-me-out had �his own� brainstorm. He offered Day-Hay his spot on the team Day-Hay with the girls Day-Hay has always wanted to want her. Because Day-Hay has read so many of the books, the two girls on the powerhouse team suddenly considered her a hot property.

So now Day-Hay has a team and is feeling wanted. More than that, her competitive soul is happy because victory and a return to regionals is very possible. Her good deed in choosing loyalty over desire last spring has not been punished.

And the best part is that she did it herself.

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