06/12/2005 - 9:14 a.m.
INADEQUACIES
Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I am an inadequate mother. Even before I handed the condolence card to Kat, I knew we were having one of those times. Actually, I had known it a few nights before. No matter how good an actress I try to be, Kat knew that deep down, the cause for her sorrow made her mother do the happy dance. Yes, we are down to one bird. Petey is no more and now I just have to wait out Mr. Why-eat-vegetables-just-to-keep-my-beak-from-falling-off.
It wasn't that I was not hurting for Kat's hurt. She knew that I was. Kat and Mr. Philately have loved the birds over the past seven or eight years. I knew it was sad. What I couldn't quite do was feel any sorrow myself at Petey's death. Kat knew in her heart that all my heart said was "one bird down and one to go." She was polite but I did the only logical thing as she was sobbing that she could not take one more death. "Your daughter needs you," I told Mr. Philately and he went in.
When the condolence card from the vet came, I handed it to Kat, even though it was addressed to the family. "I opened this," I told her. "But I think it's for you." She read it. "Oh, yeah, Mom," she said. "It's not for you." Then, looking at my face and being generous, "But you tried."
I could berate myself for my inadequacies as a mother. I know plenty of women who would and do. Occasionally, I'm one of them. But not this time. I do not have to share my children's passions. The most I can do is comfort them as best I can. I cannot suddenly turn into a bird lover. Pretending is not a real option. I accept that I am not that good an actress.
The vet who discovered all the bird's tumors and kindly ended Petey's life cremated him. I would have attended the funeral and I would have behaved but I've been spared that because Petey lived long enough for Kat to believe a funeral for the bird would be over-the-top. But still I know my limitations. Mr. Philately would have had to conduct the funeral.
I'm just not capable of doing a eulogy for a dumb bird.
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Copyright 2006 by Ellen |
