2003-04-04 - 5:31 p.m.
INFLUENCE AND CONTROL
My sphere of influence seems as large as ever and maybe larger. My circle of control is smaller. Then again, maybe I�m just more realistic now. Perhaps my circle of control was always small and I was just deceiving myself.
Take the car, for example. I don�t always drive. In fact, when Mr. Philately and I are both in a car, I rarely drive. He�s a better driver in most circumstances. I control the car when I drive but I don�t control the car when he drives. Of course, I don�t feel out-of-control either. But now Kat has begun to drive and I seem (by default) to be the parent assigned to be on the passenger side when she does so. I probably have more influence over her driving than I ever have had over Mr. Philately�s driving. Yet, with her, I am aware that I am not in control.
Then there are my weekends. When the girls were little, people asked me whether they were available for one activity for another. I said �yes� or �no� according to what was already planned, what seemed reasonable, and what I was willing to drive to or to do. Except on rare occasions, I controlled the calendar. Nowadays, I still have influence and some veto power but I lack control. I couldn�t possibly tell Day-Hay that she can�t go to the job interview for the counselor-in-training �job� she hopes to snag. I have to accommodate and I do.
Even my control over summers has lessened. When the kids were little, I took their interests into account but I found the programs and I signed them up for them. Later, they heard about programs, I checked them out, and if they seemed appropriate and were not too expensive, they went. This summer, it�s April and I�m not quite sure of my summer schedule. Day-Hay has applied for a program that she needs to be selected for. Kat passed an audition into the company class of the First Stage Theater program. She�s found a job for the end of the summer. She wants to volunteer for the first third but she has not set that up yet.
My ability to control school has lessened too. I never really controlled the schools or my children�s behavior in them. I�ve always been enough of a realist to respond to �you can�t make me� with �That�s true but I can make your life miserable until you do.� But when Kat was in elementary school, I had a lot of influence over who her teacher was and what subjects she took. I knew all of the teachers and talked to them fairly regularly. Now, I barely know who her teachers are and I rely on e-mail and report cards if I have any communication at all.
Somewhere, in the process of growing up with my children, I�ve had to face that my dreams for them are my dreams. I can�t make some of them come true and some of them shouldn�t come true. Besides, as my children grow, the dreams should not be my dreams. The dreams should be their dreams with, perhaps, a bit of my influence.
Yes, I have less control that I once thought I had. But that�s okay. I�m still pretty influential.
LAST YEAR: On Vacation in Phoenix�no entry
Day-Hay�s Bat Mitzvah Speech
New Again
Silenced by Visions
What Can�t Be Undone
Needing a Little Exercise
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Copyright 2006 by Ellen |
