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2003-05-21 - 9:24 p.m.

LAUNDERING MONEY

A person could make a reasonable living doing the laundry in this house. They would not make the money by being paid for doing the laundry. Paying someone to do the laundry belongs to the days when Mr. Philately and I were young, childless, foolish, and living in New York City. Paying someone to do the laundry is a luxury for people who would otherwise have to frequent a laundromat regularly, not just during vacations. Still, they could make good money around here saving up the cash that comes through the wash.

Sometime after Kat was born, we moved out here from New York and we bought a washer. (In other words, approximately eight weeks after she was born we bought a washer.) Since then, occasional change has come through the laundry. I would find a quarter here or there that I stuffed into my pocket absentmindedly and forgot or I would find the more substantial multiple coins that Mr. Philately left in his pockets. Originally, I collected the change and would donate it to a worthy cause when I had enough to make it worthwhile. Eventually, as the girls grew older, the change built up more quickly. There was always a nickel, a dime, a penny, or a quarter.

But recently, as the girls have become teenagers, they have begun to carry more money around. Late at night, when the babysitting job is over and they get money as they walk out the door or leave the car, they simply stuff it into a pocket�and forget about it by morning. At lunchtime, they get change from buying lunch from their allowance (although they could save money by bringing it because lunch from home is free to them), rush to join their friends, stuff the money into a pocket, and forget it. They bring money, their money, for some special something at school that I do not pay for, get change, stuff the money into a pocket, and forget it. They.....well, you get the picture.

If I were a terrific mother, I would have my children doing the laundry regularly. If I were a good mother, I would train my children to go through their pockets before they threw their clothing down the chute. Heck, if I were an adequate mother, I would train them to throw their clothing down the chute regularly. As it is, I settle for them getting their clothes down the chute just after I think I have finished all the dirty laundry for the household. (Of course, I settle for getting my own laundry down the chute just before I do the laundry.) But we all have our limitations as parents.

If I were a good laundress, I would go through pockets carefully. If I ever thought about how hard it was to get the magenta crayon out of my dryer, I would go through the pockets carefully even if I were not a good laundress. Unfortunately, when pressed for time, I have a short memory and most items wash reasonably well. The only time I take much care about the contents of pockets is when someone has a cold. I hate fishing tissue shreds out of my lint catcher.

So, it has become common for me to come up the stairs with a full laundry basket in my arms and a five, ten, or even twenty dollar bill in my hands. While I still keep any change I find for charity, bills are different. I try to return bills. �How much money do I have and how did it get in the pocket?� I ask. Luckily, the girls are honest. We have not had a fight yet although one time no one claimed a five dollar bill so it went to charity too.

Still, I worry. After all, I am a criminal defense lawyer----and I know there is a law out there imposing nasty penalties on people who launder money.

LAST YEAR: A Fungus Among Us

Ashes, Ashes, All Fall Down
The Perfect Gift
Being Scarce
Adventures in Prisonland
Personally

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