Mr. Philately told me last night that he would like me to list all of the major transgressions in one place for him for convenience. He�s not talking about the major life sins such as greed or hateful actions. No, he�s talking about the major marital sins and I have no intention of providing him with a full listing. Married life requires adventure and surprise. Besides, I think he�s storing up the possibilities so he�ll know what to do if he wants to get rid of me but wants me to think it was my decision. He�s sneaky like that.

Besides, after more than seventeen years of marriage and twenty-one years together, he knows most of the major marital transgressions if he thinks about them. He knows that putting wet towels on the bed is a transgression, but only a mid-level transgression. The appropriate punishment for putting wet towels on the bed is having a wife nag, complain, and possibly make him sleep in the damp spot. Unpleasant perhaps, but not marriage ending, especially in the days we were still living in the apartment in Brooklyn where his sin was counter-balanced by my sin of leaving cupboard doors open. (I walked right under them. He walked into them.)

He knows that some major marital transgressions are situational. I did once threaten him with instant divorce if his model train set ever ran over my sewing machine but there�s no danger of that in this house. His model train set is in a separate room and behind the furnace. The man can spread out junk amazingly well but even he is stymied by the wall and the furnace. No, I think our marriage is safe on that score as long as we don�t move (and maybe even if we do.)

He committed one of these major marital sins on Sunday but he still doesn�t get a divorce in which I take the children. (One of the rules of our marriage is that whoever asks for the divorce has to take the two adolescents with him or her.) He suggested (his version) or stated (my version) that his stamps were more important than my job. He quickly came to his senses and pleaded temporary insanity. Because his insanity when it comes to stamps is more than temporary, I accepted the plea and we averted divorce�but just narrowly. (Besides, I tend to think that such suggestions or statements are better grounds for homicide but that seems too messy.)

So, no, I�m not going to give him a list. He�s just going to have to guess like the rest of us poor married folk. He�s just going to have to live with me for the rest of his life----or put more effort into figuring out how to really get me.

LAST YEAR: Non-Euclidean Lives

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Copyright 2006 by Ellen