She forgot me. She forgot me twice or, arguably, three times, twice this week alone. Then she tried to convince me it was not a big deal. I�m finding it easier to forgive being forgotten then the attempt to convince me my hurt was petty but I�m not finding any of it particularly easy to forgive. Even when I do forgive (and my anger rarely lasts particularly long), I doubt I�ll forget. In the meantime, I�m struggling in a small way with the issues at the heart of criminal law: justice, mercy, and the proper relationship between the two.

Last night�s Shabbat (Sabbath) service at synagogue was styled as the teacher appreciation Shabbat. Each teacher who wanted to do so was given the honor of leading part of the service. We have one of these services every year. Last year, I asked for a part but the Director of Education, who is often poorly organized and scattered, forgot me. I got no part. I excused her on the grounds that she is often a ditz and I said nothing.

This year, she was a bit better organized. She sent out a copy of the script for the service in advance. The script indicated who had which parts. I was not listed. Instead of moaning and groaning, I decided to take action. The Director was on vacation until yesterday so I spoke to her secretary who told me it would be fixed immediately. Soon thereafter, I received a call from the secretary. She told me that one of the people who had a part had called to say that she would not make it and that I could have that part. She apologized on the Director�s behalf.

Then I arrived at the service. The woman who supposedly was not going to make it was there and I figured things were unlikely to work. I tried to signal the Director but, due to circumstances partially beyond my control, I did not arrive early as I usually do and I was not able to do so. Sure enough, I was not called for my part or any other. (Ironically, she did not miss calling up Kat, who works as a teacher�s assistant.)

This time, I did not just overlook the omission. I can accept being overlooked once and write it off as an accident. Being overlooked twice is a pattern and patterns are of more significance. I told the Director that she left me out again and that I was hurt and angry. She apologized but then immediately started telling me that I had to understand that she had done it just before vacation and had been in a hurry. I pointed out that she did not explain, however, why it had not been fixed when I had pointed out the oversight. The answer I received basically indicated that I could not have expected more because she was on vacation.

Hebrew teachers at synagogue schools cannot make a living teaching at the schools. Some of us are retirees supplementing income. Some of us have families and supplement family income a few times a week when fathers are around to watch young children. Some, like me, are essentially volunteers who have other jobs and do it because we think it is important. The money is not the main attraction. The money is not enough to hold us.

As a volunteer all over the place, I long ago accepted that one doesn�t get much recognition. One is more likely to grief from people who won�t do what you are doing but are sure that you ought to either do it better (often by giving even more time) or do it their way. I don�t expect much recognition. What I ask for is that when recognition is given that it be given to all who meet the criteria for recognition. One of the most disheartening things you can do to volunteers is to recognize only some of them.

I later learned that I was not the only one left out last night. I learned of two others and they are angrier than I am. But I am the most outspoken of the three of us. I may be the only one who actually said something to the Director.

But now that I have expressed my displeasure, now what? I�ve received an apology but, as Day-Hay once pointed out to Kat, �'I�m sorry' is not an eraser.� I�ll let the anger slip away, if only because I�m sure I�ll find some other thing to be angry about within a few days. That�s the way my anger tends to work. But what comes next?

As I�ve gotten busier at my office, I�ve been thinking of resigning teaching for a while so that I don�t take time away from my own kids. (While my kids are in class when I�m actually teaching, I�ve always been the type of teacher who needs at least one hour of preparation time for each hour of class time.) To the extent I�ve been sitting on the fence, I�ve hesitated because the teaching felt important. Does it matter that apparently my teaching is not important enough to be remembered----twice? Should it matter? If I do hand in a letter indicating that I won�t teach next year, would it be too pointed to do it tomorrow? (The reasonable deadline is within the next month under any circumstances.)

Is it justice if she links leaving me out with my resignation even if they have only the smallest linkage? Does mercy require that I spare her feelings and not submit the letter until next month? Will she link the two events next month or will she have forgotten by tomorrow anyway?

What is the relationship between justice and mercy anyway?

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