2002-11-06 - 9:34 p.m.
TERRIBLY SAD, ALL THE SAME
Her luminous, large, dark eyes stood out in her very pretty, obviously intelligent face. She was fashionably dress with her hair swept back. Her makeup was tasteful and everything about her seemed polish. Her speech was grammatical, her soft voice belying her ability to use some very ugly words. She could set up an appointment and keep it, even while apologizing for being slightly late. And yet, she was a throwaway.
The contradictions were fascinating. Here was a young woman who as a young teen had entered into the world of prostitution and exotic dancing yet, despite it all and despite the absence of a home, she�d finished high school and was proud of her graduation. Here was a young woman, younger than I was when my mother was my age, who was abused in her own home and in several of the many foster homes she occupied after that. One look at my case file showed the damage�and the strength.
I wished then that I had something more to offer her. I really thought I didn�t have much to give. Termination of parental rights cases are difficult to win at the trial level and nearly impossible on appeal. I explained her options and the likely outcome with honesty. At least I could give her honesty. I explained the implications for her son and for her.
She recognized that she could not raise him. There�s an honesty in her �and love. That she�s capable of love is itself a miracle. She knows the miracle does not go far enough to render her capable of commitment. When I pointed out that an appeal might delay permanence for her son, other damage became clear. She doesn�t believe in permanence any more than she believes in the tooth fairy and why should she? Her mother couldn�t give her much permanence and the foster care we provided gave her even less.
But she had a goal. She would have given him up voluntarily to someone who would allow for the sporadic contact she can manage. She would have given him up voluntarily to someone who would praise her ability to get on the floor and play with him and not spend nearly as much time as several social workers did critiquing whether her teenage clothing was a little too peekaboo. To its credit, the system did try near the end but her own son was so damaged from going from place to place to place that his behavior shows he doesn�t believe in permanence either.
Now her goal is different. Now her goal is to be able to look him in the eye if he finds her after he grows up. She wants to be able to tell him that she loved him and that she didn�t just let him go off to places she knew nothing about. She wants to be able to tell him then that she wasn�t the best mother but she didn�t just abandon him.
I can help her do that but it�s terribly sad all the same.
LAST YEAR: Judges As Window Dressing
LAST FIVE ENTRIES:
The Man I Married
The Blister
Bullying
Just What the World Needs
The Little Glimpses
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Copyright 2006 by Ellen |
