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2002-06-30 - 9:57 a.m.

THE GOODBYE SNARLIES

Day-Hay is off to camp today. She�ll be gone for two weeks. The first week she�ll be there with her friend, J., and the second week she�ll stay to do some horseback riding. She�s very excited to return to camp and she spent all day yesterday preparing herself. She didn�t pack. She�ll do that today. Instead, she engaged in what Mr. Philately and I have come to refer to as the goodby snarlies.

Both of my girls have been able to leave home for periods of time from a young age. The last time I remember any crying, whining, and carrying on about such things was when they were eighteen months old and that was understandable. I tell them, �Mommies go away but then they come back,� give them a kiss to hold in their pudgy little hands, and leave. I�ve never needed my kids to validate how much they need me by fussing when we part so I�ve stuck to a very matter-of-fact approach. I need to know that, if something happened to me, they would manage well. For that to happen, they�ve needed to know from me that I really and truly from the bottom of my heart think they will be okay without me (and I without them.)

Still, leaving home is never without its stresses and strains and sometimes the strains show. The day before leaving is always tricky. Children get snarly. It�s as though they are practicing separation and, as physical separation has not occurred, emotional separation is necessary. One way to create space is to push everyone away. The best way to push everyone away is to have a really good snit going. The best snits are justified snits.

So, the child-about-to-leave tries to create controversy the day before leaving and Mr. Philately and I try to sidestep it. We don�t want anyone leaving angry. We want them to leave so they want to come back. Now, sidestepping doesn�t mean we�re pushovers that day. The rules are still the rules but sometimes a wise parent melts away into the background and lets very small infractions go.

Luckily, leaving day is almost always calmer. Yes, there are items to pack and checklists to cover. Yes, there are minor discussions of how many stamps (for letters to friends, of course, because parents don�t need letters.) Yes, there are several errands but the emotional waters are always calmer.

Yesterday was the goodbye snarlies. Today is just goodbye. I�ll not see Day-Hay again for two weeks. Even though she is a twelve year old girl with all that entails, I�ll miss her.

LAST YEAR: Support Your Local Child

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