When faced with a family suicide, one does not simply adjust and move on. Adjustment comes in spurts of calm followed, even years later, by triggering events and turmoil, especially when the ones assimilating the event are children. It�s not exactly a circle. One does not come back to exactly the same place. It�s more like a spiral; one is in the same place but differently.

Kat�s health class is talking about suicide and the teacher showed a movie. For most of the class, this movie is just another somewhat corny health movie, clearly made in a decade of dorky clothing. But Kat survived a young uncle�s suicide four years ago and the movie triggered old feelings on new levels. We discussed his death, we discussed his funeral, and we discussed the memory flashes she had had throughout the day. Her grief was as immediate last night as it has ever been so we learned, among other things, how difficult it is for Mommy to curl up in your twin bed with you when you�re 5'5" and 115 pounds or so.

I find it difficult to sit and watch her hurt so much. Two days ago, she toyed with me with the dramatic and largely imaginary depths of her sadness. Last night, she was ripped raw. Yet, in the long run, I am not sure whether last night�s pain was a bad thing. I rubbed her back and we talked and talked and talked some more. She had a chance to examine her uncle�s death with more grown-up information and more grown-up knowledge of the world. Even in her grief, she could listen as long as I listened.

This morning, I have a call in to her health teacher but I have some time as she does not have health again until tomorrow. I also have a call in to her guidance counselor although I doubt Kat will seek her out. Kat, as she has explained, is not the guidance counselor sort even though she likes the woman---and I can understand that. I just want her and her teacher to have options tomorrow when her class sees the rest of the movie. I considered pulling her out of that movie but she thinks it would be better to complete it and I�m trusting her instincts.

What I suspect she really needs is time to write. Kat always has been more of a writer than a talker�unlike me despite all this evidence to the contrary. Unfortunately, with science fair, mounds of other homework, and stage crew, I may have as much chance as Don Quixote had with the windmill of finding her that time. Nevertheless, I plan to try and to succeed.

Spiraling can make you dizzy whether it�s your own or your kids. Sometimes, however, when I�m lucky, a little bit of wisdom comes with increasing age. I�m glad I�ve finally learned that spiraling is necessary. Trying to stop it is futile�and it causes life to spiral out of control.

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