UNDER THE MICROSCOPE

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2002-12-17 - 4:05 p.m.

TOO GOOD

Too good. The words first came at me at Day-Hay�s kindergarten conference. �My only concern,� said the teacher. �Is that she is too good. I wish she could loosen up and know that it�s okay to make a mistake.� While she�s made mistakes here and there since kindergarten, she�s still too good. Maybe not at home where we sometimes wish she would stop letting her hair (and her temper) down, but in the world at large, she�s still too good�and I�m not sure exactly how to teach her not to be so good.

When Day-Hay was small, we had some desperate years with Kat. Kat was having trouble coping with life. Kat was having trouble socially. Kat was having trouble zipping her jacket, climbing stairs, and doing other things most six and seven year olds seem to do by magic. We got Kat help. She went to occupational therapy and we had occupational therapy homework. She went to a social worker for play therapy for the social skills and to cope with her frustrations. Kat was center stage. Kat�s problems seemed to consume us.

Day-Hay stood on the sidelines. She came to every appointment and amused herself in the waiting rooms. If Kat was the problem child, the three-year-old Day-Hay figured, then she was something else. She was the good child. She had to be the good child. And she was. She was the child we didn�t worry about. She was the child who minded her business and her manners and I thought it was terrific. But I was missing a piece.

The twelve year old Day-Hay still clings to being too good. When the guidance counselor who promised me she would let Day-Hay know when I was out of surgery became side-tracked and never gave Day-Hay the word, Day-Hay outwardly forgave her too quickly because not forgiving is not good. When the gym teachers fussed and fussed over a loud child who mildly sprained her ankle just when Day-Hay broke her arm, Day-Hay suffered quietly and let herself be forgotten because the teachers were busy and she was being good. When some kids had to give up doing the first, desirable portion of the chair dance in exchange for a promise of a chair dance later, Day-Hay was good but someone else had to remind and re-remind the teacher that the good group deserved its chair dance too. And last night, when Day-Hay voted in the majority on which costume her class should wear at the recital, the losing group made such a loud, unseemingly noise that the teacher backed down and let them choose the costume. Day-Hay was too good until she left the studio. She made it easy for the badly behaved to win.

Heck, she�s so good that my small school system with the small classes lost her back in fifth grade. She sat there every day, doing her work, behaving herself, and sitting quietly. It wasn�t until I called the school to tell them that she was dreading coming to school each day and was depressed that the fifth grade team realized that none of the teachers had chatted with her or taken much interest in almost two months.

Years ago, the very wise principal at the elementary school warned me about Day-Hay. As I was advocating heavily to make sure that Kat�s assorted special needs were met, I told her that at least I wouldn�t have to work this hard to advocate for Day-Hay. �Oh, no,� she told me. �Ultimately, Day-Hay will be the child for whom you will have to advocate the most.� She�s been right.

But now Day-Hay must learn to advocate for herself. Mothers don�t usually say this but Day-Hay must learn to care a little less about being good and a little more about watching out for herself. There�s a fine line between being good and getting run over by those who are a little more �bad.�

She�s still too good and it�s time to teach her how to be bad---productively.

LAST YEAR: Going Out Together

LAST FIVE ENTRIES:

Retreating in Time
Reconnecting
Reducing Swelling
Nobility
Full Out

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