UNDER THE MICROSCOPE

NEW SPECIMENS OLD SPECIMENS THE SCIENTIST MY LOG CONTACT ME
2003-09-24 - 1:56 p.m.

WANTING TO WANT

Who am I? I am a responsible person. I am one of those people who often takes on responsibility, who rarely shirks it, and who, on those rare occasions she does, feels waves of guilt. I am defined by shoulds. Even when I rebel, and at odd times I do rebel, I rebel directly against shoulds. My very rebellion defines me as a responsible person. An irresponsible person would not rebel; she just would not do.

Most of the time, being a responsible person suits me just fine. I can be counted on to do what needs to be done. Most of the time, I like being counted on. It makes me feel important. But it doesn�t make me fun and people take their fun elsewhere. But I did not understand why for a long time.

But right now, I feel as though I am drowning in the shoulds. I need to ignore a few shoulds and look not at needs but at wants. Not Mr. Philately�s wants. Not the girls� wants. Not my boss� wants. Not constituents wants. MY wants. And I would look at my wants if only I could figure out what they are.

I am not talking about wanting a pair of shoes or a microwave in my car (useful as that might be at times.) I am talking about bigger wants. There have been very few times in my life that I have known exactly what I wanted. I knew I wanted to be a lawyer (but only after I discovered that I wanted something more than being a teacher.) I wanted Mr. Philately (and I still want him. I adore that man.) I knew I wanted children (although I did not know how much they could be both permanent and temporary at exactly the same time. I may want them but I need to let them go.) On a smaller scale, I decided a year ago that I wanted to lose 22 pounds and I did.

But what do I want now? I only know that I need to want something. If I don�t want something, I feel as though the me in me will disappear. Wanting something is dreaming and, although I am pragmatic, I need a dream.

I want to want.



IN CASE YOU MISSED THEM:
Barbie
Mistakes Were Made
Mourning the Store
The Gift of the Little Boy
Blink of an Eye

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