How do you convince a child that is determined to prove that she is not loved as well that she is loved? What do you do when the older child, at least at this point, really does seem to have it pretty much all together? What do you do when the younger child both loves and hates the shadow she believes she stands in? Sometimes, unfortunately, love is not enough. You can send all the love you want but if the receiver is determined (and I do mean determined) to prove she is not loved and unlovable, your love just falls into a black hole and is swallowed up or spaghettified into little silky, wispy, insufficient strands.

This problem is not unique to our household. One of Kat�s friends told me the other day that she always senses that the teachers at school are vaguely disappointed that she is not her older sister. One of the boys in Day-Hay�s class has complained that no one ever gives him the prizes that his older brother appears to win effortlessly. Some older siblings both clear the way and leave big footprints.

It�s easy to jump to the conclusion that the adults are at fault. If we just stop comparing children, they all would feel valued. It�s not that simple. Some of these kids, my own younger one included, reject any goodies that come their way and that they have earned themselves. They insist that any recognition given their siblings is deserved and any given them is from pity. Perception is more important than reality. Perception shapes reality.

I don�t need Day-Hay to be someone other than who she is. I love her grace, her fierce independence, and her problem-solving. When she has herself together, I adore working side-by-side with her. She is a builder and a doer and I admire those qualities. But she thinks she needs herself to be someone else so my opinion is discounted. She thinks she needs to be Kat and nothing I say or do convinces her differently.

As an oldest child, I�m not sure what to do with this one. I was faced with a different problem. Maxiegirl who is only eighteen months younger had a flashier mind. I was always running to stay one step ahead. Teachers were far more likely to recognize her than me. To this day, I get a bit touchy when I feel underestimated or overlooked. But, deep down, I always knew I was equal to her. Still, going away to college and finding my own place was very good for me.

And I think going away to college and being separated from Kat will be good for Day-Hay. I�m just not sure what to do with her in the meantime and I�m not sure how to get through the frustration tantrums. I�m not sure what to do when she rages and the rages seem calculated, consciously or not, to force me into the position of having to punish her, thereby �proving� that I love Kat best because she�s �the good one.�

How do you harmonize the younger child blues?

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