Several people have announced that they are looking for unconditional love. While it is hard to tell what really goes on in any family, these people appear to have unconditional love. They do not seem to have the type of parents who would turn their backs. They do not seem to be raising children who would abandon them. What they seem to be seeking may not really be unconditional love. More likely, it is unconditional like.

Love and like are not equivalent. Most of us grasp that fact when we hope for love rather than just like from a romantic partner. We accept that you can like someone and not love them. Many of us have more difficulty with the idea that you can love someone and not like them very much. My parents made the distinction clear as I have tried to do for my children. I�ve told my children at times that I will always love them but that when their behavior is obnoxious I do not like them very much.

I thought about conditions on love and like last night as I crawled into bed with icy feet (and, for some reason I don�t remember, without wearing my �safe socks.�). �I suppose,� I told my husband (or something to that effect). �That you would not love me if I warmed my icy feet on you.� �Yes,� he replied (or something to that effect). �I don�t believe in that unconditional love garbage.� He then paused and amended his statement. �Actually,� he suggested (or something to that effect). �I would still love you. I just wouldn�t like you very much.�

Unconditional like really seems to be asking too much. It seems akin to unconditional approval. If someone always approved of me, even when I knew that disapproval was appropriate, I would discount his (or her) approval. What good is unconditional approval? All it means is that the person giving it lacks standards or values.

Besides, like is somewhat capricious. I didn�t used to like tofu but now I do. I used to like romantic fiction but now it bores and frustrates me. I�m not generally fickle but my likes and dislikes change some with my mood. Today I like snow because it�s the first real snow. Within a few weeks, I�ll tire of it.

No, in my experience, love is generally more enduring but it�s not a partner of like or approve. Like is a warm, fuzzy feeling. Love is habit and action. Mature love, the type that shelters, is also responsibility.

To search for total understanding and total approval is to search for El Dorado or the Fountain of Youth. Success is impossible and the risks are great. You may end up like explorer (and pirate) Martin Frobisher, bypassing the real wealth of the American continent for a shipload of pyrite*---twice.

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* Pyrite is a pale brass-yellow mineral with a metallic luster that is often called �fool�s gold.�

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