2002-10-11 - 6:17 p.m.
RECEIVING
We often hear that it is more blessed to give than to receive. The message, that being giving rather than selfish, is generally a good one. The saying, however, is more than prescriptive. It�s also descriptive. Even if it is more blessed to give than to receive, for some of us it can be more difficult to receive. This week, therefore, has been a learning experience.
I am decidedly not good at being dependent. It frightens and annoys me to be dependent I ask easily for others but have difficulty asking for myself. When you are in a hospital and very sick, you generally don�t have to ask. I was sick enough not to remember much of Tuesday but I suspect that I was getting without giving. I doubt I was together enough to ask.
Wednesday and Thursday were different. I was still sick enough to be in the hospital. I still needed a lot of help. I needed to be accompanied to the bathroom, for example, and was to ask for pain medication. But I was no longer one of the top priorities so I needed to ask. I asked diffidently. I asked apologetically. (Mr. Philately claims you can judge how badly I feel at any given moment by how much I am apologizing for my very existence.) Sometimes I waited much too long to ask. The time that they got very busy and didn�t come for almost 45 minutes after I had asked to go to the bathroom, I probably should have gotten angry. Instead, I just begged�and felt all the worse for it.
Still, asking is one thing. Receiving that which is freely given is another. Years ago, not long before I was married, my uncle killed himself. While most of my family went to the city he lived in, I went to Florida where my grandmother lived. My aunt had gone down to be with her as she couldn�t travel and my mother was glad to have me go down as support for them both but especially for my aunt who was isolated by family agreement to tell my grandmother that my uncle had died of a heart attack. At one point, my grandmother sobbed about being useless. I told her that allowing me to give to her was a great gift, the gift of recognizing my new status as an adult.
I meant it but I�ve never really incorporated the concept that receiving can be a gift. I�ve tended to see giving and receiving as one-up and one-down and that taints the selflessness of any giving. A generous impulse is less generous if one is aware of such a palpable payoff. This week, however, I�ve begun rearranging some beliefs.
A friend from work offered to come over this afternoon and stay with me a while. Although I could manage on my own for a few hours, Mr. Philately did not really want to leave me alone today. I think he was a little less worried about my physical health than my emotional health. Crying at the drop of a hat is not like me at all but the medication and probably the stress has it happening. I thought about brushing off her offer and insisting on managing on my own. Then I realized. I have helped her in the past. Always being on the receiving end is not good for anyone. The gift I had to give was to accept, gracefully and gratefully. She came over, we had a good time talking, and I�m glad I�m finally getting mature enough to say yes.
My boss also called today. She is coming off of a rough time herself. Her mother-in-law died of cancer last week only a scant month after being diagnosed. She�s been distressed and unfocused. But her spouse is home and they took today off to grieve together. She�s still sad and grieving but she�s also feeling guilty that when I was ill before the operation, I had to take up the slack for her. She wants to make dinner for tomorrow night. After the obligatory midwestern demurrer, I accepted. She needs to give and it�s my turn to receive.
Here�s to the new world in which it is blessed to give----and to receive.
LAST YEAR: Amazing Facts and Missing Mississippis
LAST FIVE ENTRIES:
Welcome to Waterloo (by Kat)
Dancing Queen
Being Adult
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War Paint
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Copyright 2006 by Ellen |
